Posts tagged ‘weird’

My brain does weird things when I’m falling asleep. Conversation between me and GB, my wife.

Me: Can’t sleep. My brain is being mean to me. It keeps trying to create some fake chemical name.
GB: Yeah?
Me: Lacto-something acid. The something ends in ‘ick’. And all I can come up with is Barric.
GB: Okay…
Me: What’s Lacto-barric acid? Milk that gets more acidic when the air pressure changes?
GB: It could be Barium.
Me: No it couldn’t…
GB: Why not?
Me: Because milk comes from cows not swallows.
GB: What…?
GB: Oh.
Me: Ow…

In case your brain doesn’t work like mine, here’s the punchline. Not fun. Like someone decided the next Muller corner yoghurt would be chalk flavour…

Oct 2009
Larson in Real Life

Gary Larson is one of those comic writers with a beautifully twisted sense of humour. I’ve always loved the silliness of this cartoon…

Gary Larson's mosquito

So, imagine my delight at seeing this on BoingBoing…

Creative Commons picture from flickr user wmjas

Jun 2009

Just in case you were thinking how incredibly sane I am, I thought I’d let you in on a secret – I never learnt the alphabet in English.

I learnt to read at a very early age, I read well above my years throughout school, I read widely and enthusiastically for pleasure. But I still recite the alphabet in Franglais…

Sing along with me…

Ay, bee, sea, dee, ee, ef, gee,
aitch, eye, jay, kay, elle, em, en,
oh, peh, coo, ehr, es, tay, oo,
vey, dou-bleh vay, ix, ‘e grek, zed.


May 2009
Urban camouflage

CCTV birdbox from Manufactum

I genuinely like this bird box – partly because I love the look on people’s faces when they realise what it is.

If it wasn’t £50 a pop, I’d be tempted to buy a couple to put up around the garden. Maybe with a bat nesting box that looks like an alarm housing…

EDIT Oh yay… and we have the first post to break the new site layout. Anyone want to place bets on how long it will take before I fix it…?

There are (thankfully rare) times when you need to force your system to pass PHP session values as URL query strings instead of as cookie values. In my case it was with American cell phone operators who have set their gateways to claim that they accept cookies and then ditch them silently.

In theory you can force PHP to transmit its cookie IDs as query strings in the php.ini or the htaccess files, however that’s often not available to those on shared boxes.

Yes, we’re talking about an issue that effects a small number of people here. Sadly, due to a server configuration issue, I’m one of them.

So, what’s the solution?

The following code tells PHP to use query strings instead of cookies…


Except, it doesn’t work. This, however, does work…

$_COOKIE = array();

Don’t ask me… I don’t understand it either.

Apr 2009

As you all know (yes you do) I don’t normally remember any of my dreams. This last week I’ve remembered several of them. They’ve all been weird. Not “I was chased by a giant chicken that was actually my father but also a Ford mustang” weird, just “wtf” weird.

Take the one I had Friday night (which was helped by a bottle of port and a cigar)…

I ended up in a dream-induced lucid dream where I had my car stolen from apetrol station in Harlow. Phoning 999 connected me to a computer operator that tried to route me to the right type of policeman. Except it started getting difficult and started swearing at me, giving me options for how I wanted to swear back at it. “Press 1 to question sexuality. Press 2 to make allegations about parentage. Press 3 to make a phallic reference.” etc…

I decided to walk across the county line into Herts, where the computer was replaced with a real person. A real person who refused to help me because my car was stolen in Essex.

Back over the county line, the computer had decided to have a sulk and refused to connect me to anyone. Instead it started offering me options on how to sweet-talk it into doing what I wanted. “Press 1 to say something comforting. Press 2 to threaten with physical violence. Press 3 to compliment.”

I know that lucid dreaming involves being aware of your dream state and often lets you modify the dream yourself, but apparently my brain likes the idea of a Choose Your Own Adventure dream…

Nov 2008
Cool toys

You know, it’s a good job I’m a nice guy. You think of all the terrorist attacks in this country. You know, the ones that have involved exploding backpacks and cars full of petrol.

They’ve been pretty pathetic really, haven’t they?

I mean, the British just don’t do terrorism – we spent too long being threatened by the Irish. When someone is able to blow every window out of Canary Warf or decimate a city centre they get treated a little differently to someone who manages to kill a couple of people in a confined space. Terrorists? Bah! Crappy terrorists? Double Bah!

Just, for a moment, imagine you are a bad guy. Now imagine the ‘fun’ you could have with one of these

Nov 2008

Cambridge – land of sex maniacs. Presumably. It has an Anne Summers and three “Private Shops”.

For those of you outside the UK, a ‘Private Shop’ is a weird English euphemism for a shop that sells adult toys and educational media presentations involving senior administrative nurses. They aren’t allowed to have windows in case they pervert the kiddie winks.

Next to Kings Cross Station (a well known prostitute hotspot) there is a ‘Pirate Shop’. The mind boggles…

Nov 2008
Count the legs…

You may or may not read PhotoshopDisasters, but this is so beautiful that it needs pointing out specifically

5 TFT screens; 6 reflections; 7 screen supports; the text isn’t aligned on the screens; the screens on the left mirror the screens on the right; the reflections have no content on the screens; the reflections are semi-transparent and overlap; and finally, the reflections don’t show you the underside of the monitors as they are supposed to.

I think we have a winner…

Petrol is currently about a pound a litre. The Government is still blasting the suppliers for putting the pirces up so high. Here’s the problem though…

Fuel duty is currently 53p/l.
VAT on a product that retails at a pound is 15p.

Total tax on your pound of petrol is 68p.

9p of the remaining 32p goes to the petrol station (of which at least a penny will go in various taxes, including tax on wages)

The last 23p goes to the supplier (who in turn will pay a large chunck as tax).

So, we’re now up to at least 70p of the 99.9p ending up at the exchequer for one reason or another. 70%. Or, if you’d prefer to think of it all as a value added tax, that works out as about a 300% value added tax…

Makes you proud, doesn’t it?

Following a conversation with HelenFin last night, I’ve been trawling through my sent messages log on my mobile phone. Messages were sent to various people, mostly female. I’m sure context is everything. Unfortunately, these messages have no context any more…

Have a drink for me and enjoy your vibrating sensibilities

Thanks! Remind me to have a good alibi when you next get rope burn…

You mean I’d look better in Madagascar than in a Bonnie Tyler video?

Today we get lesbian seduction, marriage, adultery and declaring war on the lady in waiting

I’ve got 6 bottles of SlimFast milkshakes and two bags of Polish cherry flavour “jaffa cakes”…

Have the acts eaten? They keep following me, staring at me like they’re wondering what my feet taste like.

Noooo! I’m losing my perversity!

Newmarket is scary… I feel like I’m being followed my munchkins on horseback…

What’s the cross country assault course thing they do with horses?

Tell him that I’ll only charge him half price if he keeps you for three months [How do I always seem to end up joking that I'm my friends' pimp?]

Damn. BBC says hookers are only £15 quid now. There goes the profits…

Nice green or “pants left in wash” green?

I’m assuming “shake it all about” is not an option…?

Do you want to put on your comfortable shoes and join in the perving then…?

No, no burns but the glass got rather warm.

I learnt everything from the cat. And the intertubes.

The four horsemen of the Apocalypse : Chronos, Telecoms, Valet and Hattie.

Fashion still runs in 200 year loops, right? The buxom beer wench look needs to come back…

I now have this image of a small gold plated clown desperately hanging on to a chain, terrified it will fall into a sweaty cave of Primark bra and metalic silver boob tube, its little arms and legs flailing every time the world takes a Breezer fuelled stagger for a dark alleyway…

No… Pimping is immoral. I’m merely talking about selling you on to an exploited existence as a captive circus freak. Morally much cleaner…

My only VC experience was a PVC who got confused by people being honest.

My fledgling sense of tact has just been chucked off a cliff and expected to fly…

I had a really odd dream last night…

I was the goalkeeper and referee in a football match between a team of zombies and a team of downs syndrome kids. Neither team scored because
a) neither team knew what was going on
b) neither team would stop picking up the damned ball and
c) since I was the referee I was stood on the sideline at the halfway line with the goal behind me and both teams kept kicking the ball off the ends of the pitch…

I don’t know what the hell has happened recently. I don’t normally remember any dreams, but recently I’ve been having a load of semi-lucid dreams that have been just plain odd.

Sep 2008
The lighter snack…

On my desk right now I have a packet of “Tesco light bites Maple Bars” which claim to be “Big on taste, light on Calories, sugar or fat.” The ingredients are : Rice (40%), Glucose Syrup, Fructo-Oligosaccharides, Wheat(13%), Sugar, Glycerol, Maple Syrup, Veggie Oil, Malt, flavours and stuff.

By my estimates that’s 47% sugar and oil, and 330Kcal/100g. Honey, for comparison, is 310Kcal/100g.

Yeah… go Tescos…

Sep 2008
Clerks III

On saturday I spent an exciting half an hour standing around in the women’s clothing section of Marks & Spencer trying, like every other man there, to look more like a bored husband and less like the pervert we expect women think we are.

While standing around and looking bored (which, incidentally, is incredibly difficult when you are carrying a recently purchased grabber) I managed to eavesdrop on a conversation between two M&S employees. Two M&S employees standing in the middle of their M&S store…

Please forgive the paraphrasing…

Girl 1 : “So, as it’s our first date, I wore this little black dress. Like, really little. It only came down to here, and it’s mostly backless and halter neck. And it’s tight. Really tight, I mean, I couldn’t even wear knickers under it!” [Americans! Think 'panties', not knickers. That would be weird.]

As exciting as this story had the potential to be, Wife wanders off, and as bored husband I have to maintain the pervert impression by making it look like I’m stalking a random female, so I wander too. Thankfully, five minutes later Wife walks back to the original area, so husband gets to walk back too, and since the store girls are still talking I return to a position where i can hear. Purely by accident you’ll understand.

Now, I’m afraid I shall jump to the “punchline”. Her friend (who you haven’t been introduced to yet, but you can probably guess is called “Girl 2″) says “Well, don’t go too far, too fast, or he’ll expect it every time.” You got that? Okay, I’ll repeat it… “Well, don’t go too far, too fast, or he’ll expect it every time.”

Remember that. Rewind thirty seconds or so…

Girl 1 (paraphrased again) : “So, I’m sucking him off but he’s getting close, so I stop and he licks me for a while. Then he gets me on my knees and fucks me from behind. And it’s good, but after a while it hurts, you know? He’s just pounding away and it’s really hurting.”

Girl 2 (paraphrased) : “So why didn’t you roll over onto your back? Lets him go from a different angle?”

Girl 1 : “Well, I couldn’t. He had his finger my my arse at the time.”

Girl 2 : “Well, don’t go too far, too fast, or he’ll expect it every time…”

Sweet Zombie Jesus, what the fuck is she saving for the second date…?

Imagine that you’re in the market for a new bit, either male or female. Where would you be best looking? California? Florida? Well, according to this here map the singles / 1000 population, with a colour marker showing if it’s more male of female. Men are pretty much screwed (so to speak) until you get to the age of about 35, when the single females start appearing. Ignoring the probable illogic of this, it’s actually pretty interesting to watch how the gender divides work across the country as age increases…

Aug 2008
Uncanny Valley

Some people need to have their photoshop privileges revoked