Posts tagged ‘stupid people’

I was thinking about how adults say things they don’t mean, and how they confuse little kids…

Many moons ago, when I was about five or six years old (beds were made with sheets and blankets; my grandmother still had all her marbles; and the Model T was still in production) my grandmother came up to tuck me in to bed.

As part of the tucking in process, she pulled the blankets up said “you’ll catch your death if you don’t have your shoulders covered”.

I spent the next few years terrified to go to sleep, certain in the knowledge that I’d die if my ‘soldjers’ weren’t always covered…

Jun 2009
29
alphamabet

Just in case you were thinking how incredibly sane I am, I thought I’d let you in on a secret – I never learnt the alphabet in English.

I learnt to read at a very early age, I read well above my years throughout school, I read widely and enthusiastically for pleasure. But I still recite the alphabet in Franglais…

Sing along with me…

Ay, bee, sea, dee, ee, ef, gee,
aitch, eye, jay, kay, elle, em, en,
oh, peh, coo, ehr, es, tay, oo,
vey, dou-bleh vay, ix, ‘e grek, zed.

Hohum…

May 2009
14
Seks

You would have thought that by now, someone would have told the church that getting a celibate monk to write a book about sex is a bad idea. But no

A Polish monk called Father Ksawery Knotz has written a book called Sex as you don’t know it: for married couples who love God which some are apparently calling the Catholic Kama Sutra.

You know it will be painful, don’t you? And not in the good way…

He claims he has the knowledge needed to teach others about improving their sex lives because he’s a relationships councillor and has run a website giving sexual advice for over a year.

You wait until the world finds out about the website I’ve been running for the last 8 months – the lost art of bungee jump pearl diving from a hot air balloon

Apr 2009
15
Beating the lawyers

Before he died, my grandfather decided to write his autobiography. Sadly, not much of it made it onto a computer and I now have sheets of barely legible scrawl to work my way through. I’ve just found an absolute gem… Before you read on, remember that my grandfather was the head of what was to become the National Archives…

I learnt to get my own back on the nit picking lawyers by throwing back at them some of my own mischievous legal concerns. My best one was to argue that s5 of the PRAct of 1958 did not create a right for members of the public to see documents which were more than 50 years old (the 30 year rule came later). I argued that the act said that “public records in the PRO [...] shall not be available until they have been in existence for fifty years [...]“. I contested that this did not say that such records must be made available. The Lord Chancellor agreed with me; and I was happy to agree that unless challenged we would ignore this bit of bad drafting.

I was also concerned about the definition of “records selected for preservation [...] shall be transferred not later than 30 years after their creation” when I discovered that two or three departments, including the Press Office, would simply create a minute, date is just before the last paper turned 30 years old, thus keeping the file from the PRO for another 30 years. This was not sloppy drafting, but merely a lack of understanding of [unclear word] procedures when senior officials wanted to keep files closed. This teased my lawyer friends, but I did [unclear word] departments to avoid this function (I expect the result was simply to shred such files and register them as ‘missing’).

Sep 2008
15
Clerks III

On saturday I spent an exciting half an hour standing around in the women’s clothing section of Marks & Spencer trying, like every other man there, to look more like a bored husband and less like the pervert we expect women think we are.

While standing around and looking bored (which, incidentally, is incredibly difficult when you are carrying a recently purchased grabber) I managed to eavesdrop on a conversation between two M&S employees. Two M&S employees standing in the middle of their M&S store…

Please forgive the paraphrasing…

Girl 1 : “So, as it’s our first date, I wore this little black dress. Like, really little. It only came down to here, and it’s mostly backless and halter neck. And it’s tight. Really tight, I mean, I couldn’t even wear knickers under it!” [Americans! Think 'panties', not knickers. That would be weird.]

As exciting as this story had the potential to be, Wife wanders off, and as bored husband I have to maintain the pervert impression by making it look like I’m stalking a random female, so I wander too. Thankfully, five minutes later Wife walks back to the original area, so husband gets to walk back too, and since the store girls are still talking I return to a position where i can hear. Purely by accident you’ll understand.

Now, I’m afraid I shall jump to the “punchline”. Her friend (who you haven’t been introduced to yet, but you can probably guess is called “Girl 2″) says “Well, don’t go too far, too fast, or he’ll expect it every time.” You got that? Okay, I’ll repeat it… “Well, don’t go too far, too fast, or he’ll expect it every time.”

Remember that. Rewind thirty seconds or so…

Girl 1 (paraphrased again) : “So, I’m sucking him off but he’s getting close, so I stop and he licks me for a while. Then he gets me on my knees and fucks me from behind. And it’s good, but after a while it hurts, you know? He’s just pounding away and it’s really hurting.”

Girl 2 (paraphrased) : “So why didn’t you roll over onto your back? Lets him go from a different angle?”

Girl 1 : “Well, I couldn’t. He had his finger my my arse at the time.”

Girl 2 : “Well, don’t go too far, too fast, or he’ll expect it every time…”

Sweet Zombie Jesus, what the fuck is she saving for the second date…?

Sep 2008
8
Attack of the DRM

Remember ‘Spore’? It’s the new game where you develop a new species from scratch, help it evolve and grow. It’s been hyped up for ages, and it was just released.

On Amazon.com right now, the game gets 2 stars. Of the 151 votes on the reviews, 128 of them are for “1 star”. Of the nine “5 Star” rating, two are from two years ago, when no-one had played anything connected to the game.

Why is the score so low? Well, the game demands that you install Securerom and it connects to a server when you install and run the game. It’s been DRMed to death. Add in the fact that the servers are currently falling over (and so people can’t install or play the game) and it’s all going a bit wrong.

The irony of it all…? A hacked version with no DRM requirements appeared on the torrent sites FOUR DAYS before the game was released.

Way to go EA Games…

Aug 2008
13
Uncanny Valley

Some people need to have their photoshop privileges revoked