On saturday I spent an exciting half an hour standing around in the women’s clothing section of Marks & Spencer trying, like every other man there, to look more like a bored husband and less like the pervert we expect women think we are.
While standing around and looking bored (which, incidentally, is incredibly difficult when you are carrying a recently purchased grabber) I managed to eavesdrop on a conversation between two M&S employees. Two M&S employees standing in the middle of their M&S store…
Please forgive the paraphrasing…
Girl 1 : “So, as it’s our first date, I wore this little black dress. Like, really little. It only came down to here, and it’s mostly backless and halter neck. And it’s tight. Really tight, I mean, I couldn’t even wear knickers under it!” [Americans! Think 'panties', not knickers. That would be weird.]
As exciting as this story had the potential to be, Wife wanders off, and as bored husband I have to maintain the pervert impression by making it look like I’m stalking a random female, so I wander too. Thankfully, five minutes later Wife walks back to the original area, so husband gets to walk back too, and since the store girls are still talking I return to a position where i can hear. Purely by accident you’ll understand.
Now, I’m afraid I shall jump to the “punchline”. Her friend (who you haven’t been introduced to yet, but you can probably guess is called “Girl 2″) says “Well, don’t go too far, too fast, or he’ll expect it every time.” You got that? Okay, I’ll repeat it… “Well, don’t go too far, too fast, or he’ll expect it every time.”
Remember that. Rewind thirty seconds or so…
Girl 1 (paraphrased again) : “So, I’m sucking him off but he’s getting close, so I stop and he licks me for a while. Then he gets me on my knees and fucks me from behind. And it’s good, but after a while it hurts, you know? He’s just pounding away and it’s really hurting.”
Girl 2 (paraphrased) : “So why didn’t you roll over onto your back? Lets him go from a different angle?”
Girl 1 : “Well, I couldn’t. He had his finger my my arse at the time.”
Girl 2 : “Well, don’t go too far, too fast, or he’ll expect it every time…”
Sweet Zombie Jesus, what the fuck is she saving for the second date…?