Take last night, for example. I dreamt about a friend of mine who is being investigated for gluten intolerance problems. In my dream she was dressed in classic 1980′s dance class gear (including the woollen leg warmers), dancing around while a vocallist sang this song, but with the lyrics “She’s a Coeliac, Coeliac, Wooo!”

It’s better than the decidedly (NSFW) offering from a few nights before where I dreamt about a comedically large erect phallus against a moving blurry woodland backdrop. It landed, perfectly, on the (ahem) bullseye of someone’s posterior and the moving music started… “Look into my arse… you will see…”

I’m enjoying weird dreams, but less of the odd puns please brain.

Take the one I had Friday night (which was helped by a bottle of port and a cigar)…

I ended up in a dream-induced lucid dream where I had my car stolen from apetrol station in Harlow. Phoning 999 connected me to a computer operator that tried to route me to the right type of policeman. Except it started getting difficult and started swearing at me, giving me options for how I wanted to swear back at it. “Press 1 to question sexuality. Press 2 to make allegations about parentage. Press 3 to make a phallic reference.” etc…

I decided to walk across the county line into Herts, where the computer was replaced with a real person. A real person who refused to help me because my car was stolen in Essex.

Back over the county line, the computer had decided to have a sulk and refused to connect me to anyone. Instead it started offering me options on how to sweet-talk it into doing what I wanted. “Press 1 to say something comforting. Press 2 to threaten with physical violence. Press 3 to compliment.”

I know that lucid dreaming involves being aware of your dream state and often lets you modify the dream yourself, but apparently my brain likes the idea of a Choose Your Own Adventure dream…

I was the goalkeeper and referee in a football match between a team of zombies and a team of downs syndrome kids. Neither team scored because
a) neither team knew what was going on
b) neither team would stop picking up the damned ball and
c) since I was the referee I was stood on the sideline at the halfway line with the goal behind me and both teams kept kicking the ball off the ends of the pitch…

I don’t know what the hell has happened recently. I don’t normally remember any dreams, but recently I’ve been having a load of semi-lucid dreams that have been just plain odd.