Mar 2010

Fuck you, EA games

I promised myself I wouldn’t write this post – mainly because I doubted I could do it without swearing. The problem is that I’m so pissed off about this, I need to vent. So… naughty words ahead…

Dear EA games,

Fuck you.

No, seriously, fuck you. Fuck your crappy games that sucker me in. Fuck your security. Fuck your online gaming.

Several years ago (2006, apparently), I bought The Godfather for PC. It was a pretty awful game in a lot of ways – the handling on the cars made it obvious your physics engines guys had never driven anything more complex than a skateboard; the meshes for the female characters made it obvious the graphics guys had only seen women in pornos; the city managed to have a less complex and involving road network than my village; and the graphics looked like you were expecting me to run it on a 486. And you know what…? I don’t think I’d have minded so much if Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas hadn’t come out two years earlier with cars that actually behaved like cars; graphics that made use of my graphics card; people who looked like they might actually be modelled on a human; and a map so vast and complex I used to get lost for hours, just wandering the roads on a motorbike. That game cost me so many hours of sleep I’m surprised I’m still alive.

Despite that, I actually quite enjoyed The Godfather. The mobface system let me create a character that looked enough like me that I actually felt sorry for him when he got hurt. I’ve not felt that kind of empathy before, and it made the game really engaging.

Fast forward to last year, and Godfather II came out. I was really hopeful about this. I mean, this was 2009 for gods sakes. GTA IV was a year ago, and that had been fantastic – the cars better than ever, the ragdoll physics improved, the graphics improved, a vast storyline, and more cities that you could get lost in for days. Godfather II was going to be great, right…?

Well, I actually installed it a few weeks back. I have to ask… what the fuck happened? I mean, I know it’s traditional to blow the budget on, well, blow, but did you have to snort the entire fucking lot?

GTA IV (2008) image from IGN. Click for bigness.

GTA IV (2008) image from IGN. Click for bigness.

Godfather II (2009). Click for bigness.

Please, take a minute and look at those two. I know that comparing any game in this genre to GTA is a bit like comparing Mario Kart to Gran Tourismo, but don’t you guys have any fucking pride in your work?

Your crimes, EA? We’ll ignore SecureRom because we’ve learnt to accept that you’re misguided bastards who want to punish us for giving you money. No, your crimes include…

  • graphics that look like shite
  • cars that behave like drunk pigs
  • characters that still look like they were designed by someone who has never seen a real flesh and blood person
  • victims who suffer damage that would give Freddy Krueger nightmares, but who suddenly heal their deformities as they hit the ground
  • graphics that really, really look like shite
  • a road network that’s possibly actually smaller than last time
  • and last but not least, the multiplayer mode…

You know, that last little masterpiece of fuckwittery has me so fucking bemused I can’t express myself. I find myself writing sentences that contain nothing but swear words…

Okay boys and girls, how do you feel about this one…

Once you have gone around your pixelated city from the time before anti-aliasing and killed all of the bad guys from characterless mob family number one, you have to go and destroy their compound. Not just run in there, kill everyone, mutilate a few corpses and loosen the top on the salt cellar – oh, no! No, you have to blow it up. And to do that you need a demolitions expert. And you have one of those, right? He’s the dynamite guy you’ve been using to break into the bank. Right?


You see, the dynamite guy isn’t an expert. He’s “Advanced”. And apparently someone who’s “advanced” can’t take a shit tonne of dynamite, put it on top of the gas main and blow the fucking compound up. No, an “advanced” guy is somehow inept and merely makes the hot water tap run a bit over temperature so people say “oh blinking heck, you cheeky trickster you” and shake a comedy fist in the air.

But that’s okay, because we’re used to pointless grinding in computer games… what pointless task do we need to do 500 times to get old Donnie Dynamite up to date on his “making ‘splody things ‘splode” training?

You need to go online and play your “made man” on some multiplayer missions. Once he’s managed to run around a server filled with 13 year olds for long enough to blow up 5 buildings in one game, he can be an expert.

Fan-fucking-tastic. I have to go online and play “frag the poor bastard on the crappy twisted pair connection” so I can come back and play the game I wanted to play. Look, you bastards, if I wanted to do things with other people on a saturday night, I’d be in the fucking pub.

Except, and this is the fucking masterstroke of it all, I can’t. Oh no, the game won’t connect to the fucking server…

So hear me now, EA – Fuck you. Fuck your games. Fuck your developers. Fuck your whole “fuck the customer in the arse so hard and so frequently that they give up and bend themselves over every time we release a new game” mentality.

I know I’m one guy and that my £30 every few months is a piss in your ocean of cash, but it takes a lot to get me this angry, and if it’s pissed me off, then it’s pissed off a lot of other people too.


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  • 1

    Mon 22nd Mar '10
    16:14 UTC

    So you didn’t have a nice day then? *duck*

    I hope you actually sent at least some of these comments to EA (with ot without some of the meatier wording) as sometimes these game companies need to listen to their clientele.

    Even from my lowly eyes used more to less comlicated games, the Gofather stuff looks very much from the 1990s, – the sort of thig we’d say “wow!” about when the new games like Red Alert came out. And any game worth it’s salt (or the cost of it’s purchase) should be self contained so that experts can be trained within the game, leaving multi-player functions as an option, rather than a necessity.

    I’ll gladly stand in support and metaphorically hold your coat whilst you beat the living daylights out of the game compilers!

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