Sep 2008
21

The stupid text message game…

Following a conversation with HelenFin last night, I’ve been trawling through my sent messages log on my mobile phone. Messages were sent to various people, mostly female. I’m sure context is everything. Unfortunately, these messages have no context any more…

Have a drink for me and enjoy your vibrating sensibilities

Thanks! Remind me to have a good alibi when you next get rope burn…

You mean I’d look better in Madagascar than in a Bonnie Tyler video?

Today we get lesbian seduction, marriage, adultery and declaring war on the lady in waiting

I’ve got 6 bottles of SlimFast milkshakes and two bags of Polish cherry flavour “jaffa cakes”…

Have the acts eaten? They keep following me, staring at me like they’re wondering what my feet taste like.

Noooo! I’m losing my perversity!

Newmarket is scary… I feel like I’m being followed my munchkins on horseback…

What’s the cross country assault course thing they do with horses?

Tell him that I’ll only charge him half price if he keeps you for three months [How do I always seem to end up joking that I'm my friends' pimp?]

Damn. BBC says hookers are only £15 quid now. There goes the profits…

Nice green or “pants left in wash” green?

I’m assuming “shake it all about” is not an option…?

Do you want to put on your comfortable shoes and join in the perving then…?

No, no burns but the glass got rather warm.

I learnt everything from the cat. And the intertubes.

The four horsemen of the Apocalypse : Chronos, Telecoms, Valet and Hattie.

Fashion still runs in 200 year loops, right? The buxom beer wench look needs to come back…

I now have this image of a small gold plated clown desperately hanging on to a chain, terrified it will fall into a sweaty cave of Primark bra and metalic silver boob tube, its little arms and legs flailing every time the world takes a Breezer fuelled stagger for a dark alleyway…

No… Pimping is immoral. I’m merely talking about selling you on to an exploited existence as a captive circus freak. Morally much cleaner…

My only VC experience was a PVC who got confused by people being honest.

My fledgling sense of tact has just been chucked off a cliff and expected to fly…

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