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I love the BBC. It’s a powerful institution that provides us with hour after hour of fresh quality entertainment. Don’t believe me? Just check out the current “comedy” category on the BBC iPlayer…

* Being Human (repeat)
* Fraochy Bay (Gaelic cartoon)
* Have I got a But More News For You (compilation)
* Have I got News for You (repeat)
* Ideal (repeat)
* Little Britain (repeat)
* Live at the Apollo season 7
* Live at the Apollo season 5 (repeat)
* Mock the Week (repeat)
* Mrs Brown’s Boys
* Never Mind the Buzzcocks (repeat)
* The Ones (Jasper Carrot doing material from 1990)
* Outnumbered (repeat)
* Royal Bodyguard
* Russell Howard’s Good News, series 5 compilation (repeat)
* Russell Howard’s Good News, series 1 (repeat)
* Twenty Twelve (repeat)
* Would I Lie to You? (repeat)

Only the best, fresh new comedy, don’t you agree?

In the last dozen years or so the number of sandwich vans visiting office blocks and industrial parks has exploded to the extent that the park I work on is now visited by more sandwich vans than delivery vans.

So how, with such competition, can they all be so crap? Lets take a look at the vans that visit my particular building… Read the rest of this entry »

Yesterday two things happened that reminded me just how much the Internet has changed the way we communicate. The first was about physical distance and the march of technology. The second, how the Internet has removed some structures and replaced others.

Which makes it all sound so much grander than it really was.

Event 1 : Wooo, tech!

First, let me tell you about 1996. I was at University in Leicester, spending way too much time with nerds, watching too much SciFi and “dating” a girl in Alberta.

A normal day during the holidays would start with dialing in to the University SLIP (this was just before we got Dial-up) and using Telnet to check my email in Pine. We only had one phone line, and after 8am cost money, so it was very much a quick peek. I spent the day pretty much out of the loop, unless someone sent a message to my pager – and then the conversation was pretty much one way, since I hated payphones. At about 4pm, Sky One showed their daily shot of Star Trek : TNG and I spent 45 minutes watching Tasha Ya caress her computer and Deanna Troi accuse everyone of hiding something (and wondering why, if the computer was so clever, it needed to be told that Earl Grey should be served hot). At 6pm, my grandmother would finally wrestle the remote control from my hands and I’d go and tie up the phone lines again, dialing back in to the University system to chat with friends – either as a group via a MUD or one to one in the fantastically confusing “Talk”, where both parties had equal rights to type things in the same box. Finally, at about midnight (when phone costs dropped again) I dialed about 20 numbers (plus an international phone number) into the phone so that I could spend £5 on ten minutes chatting to this girl in Canada…

Fast forward 15 years to the day…

Yesterday, just before work, I went to the coffee shop to get, well, coffee. While I was waiting, my phone chirpped three times – once to tell me I had a new email, a second to tell me my brother wanted me, and a third time to tell me Earl Grey should be hot.

The day before, I’d called a UK service provider (tax/utilities/insurance type thing) to tell them to cancel my brother’s service. Only – they wouldn’t talk to me because I wasn’t my brother (we’ll ignore the fact they only knew this because I said I wasn’t). He would, they said, have to ring them to say he wanted it cancelled – but they only had an 0870 number, which can’t be accessed from abroad.

Using my leet ninja nerd skills (ahem) I got the unlisted number, sent it to my brother and told him to sort his own shit out. That second chirp was my brother, on a computer smaller than my 1996 external hard drive, IMing me, on a device twice the size of my 1996 pager, yet more powerful than the 1996 PC, to tell me that he’d just used Skype to call the provider (for free) to tell them he wasn’t a UK resident any more.

It struck me that, barring the whole space travel bit (which, lets face it, wasn’t a major part of TNG), tech was now more like Star Strek than it was like 1996. Hell, if you believe the Apple adverts, Siri has a better grasp of English than Enterprise’s computer.

Event 2 : Twitter

On a completely different subject, when did sending celebrities weird messages stop being the actions of a stalker?

Last night, while watching the BBC’s frankly fantastic Only Connect, I posted a message to twitter…

SodiumLights : Why are this week’s #onlyconnect teams dressed to match their backgrounds? Is round 5 hide and seek? Even @VictoriaCoren is at it… [LINK]

This morning, I woke up to find my phone desperately trying to catch my attention – someone had mentioned me on twitter…

VictoriaCoren : @sodiumlights I’D LOVE THAT TO BE ROUND 5. Unfortunately, I refuse to wear my glasses and we’ve only got half an hour.[LINK]

When did this happen? When did it become normal for people making random observations about TellyLand have TellyLand respond to them?

Let this be a lesson to you all – if you have a fish tank, keep the KH up. And, if you forget and your KH keeps dropping, don’t do a 25% water change of RO water. Especially if you tank was running at about 8.5pH and the RO is (apparently) at 5pH.

*sigh*

  • 7 4 guppies
  • 4 glass catfish
  • 4 2 loaches
  • 2 Dwarf Gouramis
  • 1 male siamese fighting fish
  • 5 female siamese fighting fish
  • 3 2 Plecs
  • 6 glowlight tetras

Not the best of weeks…

Update Make that 1 guppy…

I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve been told in the last few weeks that “September 11th changed everyone’s lives”.

I’m sorry, but no. At least, not directly.

On the radio last night I heard an interview with an American woman talking about September 11th and how both she and close friend both lost their husbands on that day. I felt genuinely sorry for her. The friend’s husband died in the first tower. Her husband died of a heart attack across town – nothing to do with the attacks. Since that day, she claims she’s heard first, second and third hand accounts of the other man’s death hundreds of times, but barely anyone is interested in her own husband. He’s just not interesting.

And that’s the point – the attacks were a horrific thing, but by no means unique and by no means overshadowing everything else that day.

But “that day changed everyone’s life all across the world”. Really? Do you think so? Read the rest of this entry »

Jul 2011
16
Minecraft Cathedral

So, I might have spent a little time building a cathedral in Minecraft. It might be a bit… well… big.

Each of those dots is a meter square block. (click for bigness)

The cathedral itself is 255 meters long, and the grounds stretch it to 270. It’s long enough that even set to ‘far’, you can’t see the high altar when you’re stood by the front door…

Under the tower, looking at the labyrinth toward the octagon

Closer to the octagon, with the high altar rendering

The place is based (ver, very) loosely on Ely Cathedral in Cambridgeshire. Loose in the sense that, it’s nothing like Ely Cathedral, but I turned to it whenever I needed inspiration.

Things like, how to join the roof together at the cross-bar of the cathedral. Enter Ely Catherdral’s famous Octagon.

Yeah, this version is a bit bigger and less subtle. That'll be because I needed the light. Thanks to Notch for letting us put candles on fenceposts.

More when I’m sober…

Just as he’s leaving work, a programmer gets a text message from his wife

On your way home, can you go to the store and buy bread? If they have eggs, get 6.

45 minutes later, the man walks into the kitchen with 6 loaves of bread.

“What the fuck?” the wife asks, “I asked you to get one loaf of bread. Why the hell did you get six?”

“Well,” he replies, “they had eggs…”

Apr 2011
7
Facebook

I nearly got suckered into rejoining facebook.

It’s the same old story… people want your email address and then your twitter name and before you know it you’ve gone from a bit of recreational twitter to a hard facebook addiction.

You tried to seduce me before, and I was weak. This time I was strong… I was a member for a full 30 minutes before I realised just how horrible and unintuitive their site design is, and just what a nasty mess the whole process is. So I quit.

Facebook had other ideas…

Try getting that Captcha right without opening charmap.

The car in the video game didn’t exist – pixels and vectors and nothing else.

Then someone decided to make a real life version of it…

I’ve got to admit, I’ve seen stranger ideas for hybrid cars…

Dec 2010
31
XKCD : Audiophiles

( Go visit XKCD. No really. If you don’t know Randall’s comics, go. I’ll wait… )

It took 7 years of alternating between ignoring them and telling them that I knew their rules better than they do, but the wonderful people of TV Licensing finally decided to send one of their crack team of enforcement agents to my door – a woman in her 50s with a Range Rover Sport and one of those attitudes that says that you are scum and you are now officially “In Trouble”. To be honest, I was disappointed…

So, I can now tell you how deep and involved their interrogation techniques are.

You’ll need the tag end of a roll of co-axial cable, tucked behind the radiator, preferably covered in cobwebs. You’ll also need to make sure that the channels 1 to 4 are tuned to static.

  1. Show the officer the end of the cable.
  2. Show the officer channels 1 to 4 of static
  3. Wave goodbye to her

Job done.

Of course, if you happen to use your DVD player or digital set top box as a receiver then your first four channels wouldn’t be tuned in, would they?

So, just remember boys and girls – you only need a license to receive broadcast TV at the time that it is broadcast.

Things you need a license for:

  • Watching or recording TV broadcasts that have come down your aerial
  • Watching an internet stream of live TV if it’s being broadcast live by a UK provider – you can watch The Daily Show live, but you can’t watch the Olympics via a Bolivian TV station if it’s being shown on the BBC at the same time
  • Using a TV card in a computer
  • Technically, watching a VHS of something someone else recorded for you

Things you don’t need a license for:

  • Watching iPlayer, 4OD or similar on demand internet streams from UK broadcasters, as long as they aren’t being broadcast at the same time. I’m not sure how this works for repeats…
  • Watching DVDs
  • Playing computer games
  • Using it as a strangely expensive and useless mirror

Don’t let their bullying letters scare you. If you don’t watch live broadcast TV on your TV, don’t get a license. Spend the money on a congratulatory meal out instead…

One of my personal projects involves reading and revisiting a journey described in a stupidly rare book from the 1920s. I finally found two copies of it online – once as a 80MB pdf file and again as a scan from Google’s famous book scanning exercise.

This fantastic preamble comes from that Google scanning and OCR…

      This is a digital copy of a book lhal w;ls preserved for general
ions on library shelves before il was carefully scanned by Google
as pari of a project

      to make the world's books discoverable online.

      Il has survived long enough for the copyright to expire and the
book to enter the public domain. A public domain book is one thai
was never subject

      to copy right or whose legal copyright term has expired. Whether
a book is in the public domain may vary country to country.
Public domain books

      are our gateways to the past, representing a wealth of history,
culture and knowledge that's often dillicull lo discover.

      Marks, notations and other marginalia present in the original
volume will appear in this file - a reminder of this book's long
journey from the

      publisher lo a library and linally lo you.

      Usage guidelines

      Google is proud lo partner with libraries lo digili/e public
domain materials and make them widely accessible. Public domain
books belong to the
public and we are merely their custodians. Nevertheless, this
work is expensive, so in order lo keep providing this resource,
we have taken steps to
prevent abuse by commercial panics, including placing Icchnical
restrictions on automated querying.

It’s not looking good when your OCR can’t even process your boilerplate frontpage…

Last night I dreamt that I, together with all my friends and family, I was living in a naturist / nudist camp.

Except it was bloody cold in the real world yesterday, so in my dream everyone was wearing woolly hats, scarves and gloves.

That is all…

Since Private Eye don’t have a website, I’ll have to write this out…

In recent years, in our coverage of American politics, we may have given the impression that, in electing Barack Obama as President in 2008, the American people had shown themselves as thoroughly enlightened and forward-looking, having thrown off racial prejudice and generally become politically mature in a way which should serve as an inspiration to the whole of mankind.

Such headlines as “US Comes of Age in Electing First Black President”, “Obama Victory Shows America Has Thrown Off Race Prejudice For Ever” and “US Walks Tall Into Future With Barack The Superman” might have suggested that we considered that by electing Mr Obama, America was entertaining a new golden age.

Having watched with horror as in the recent mid-term elections US voters went overboard for candidates representing the so-called Tea Party, we now realise that the American people are no more than a bunch of backward-looking, reactionary, gun-toting, Bible-bashing rednecks who have no place in the modern world. We apologise to our readers for any inconvenience our gullibility may have cause.

Yeah. Not much that can be said about that really… (©2010 Private Eye, 1275).

My brain does weird things when I’m falling asleep. Conversation between me and GB, my wife.

Me: Can’t sleep. My brain is being mean to me. It keeps trying to create some fake chemical name.
GB: Yeah?
Me: Lacto-something acid. The something ends in ‘ick’. And all I can come up with is Barric.
GB: Okay…
Me: What’s Lacto-barric acid? Milk that gets more acidic when the air pressure changes?
GB: It could be Barium.
Me: No it couldn’t…
GB: Why not?
Me: Because milk comes from cows not swallows.
GB: What…?
GB: Oh.
Me: Ow…

In case your brain doesn’t work like mine, here’s the punchline. Not fun. Like someone decided the next Muller corner yoghurt would be chalk flavour…

I know that it’s very snobby, but I hate it when a song like this (which should feel wonderfully… subversive) becomes mainstream. Not only does it not seem so wrong to be playing it, it also makes me feel a bit like that balding guy in a suit who sings along to Anarchy in the UK on the bus…

By the way, NSFW. Really. Not even with the sound off.

I did warn you…

A bit of chat log between myself and my dear pseudo anonymous friend ‘Red’.

This chat is off the record
You: [ introductory line that was written in a humourous way but which falls flat when written down ]
Red: [ a reply that strokes your ego and lets you think that it was infact very funny ]
You: [ acknowledgement of advanced literary skills with an implied request for reassurance that you aren't, in turn, humouring me ]
You: [ rapid non-sequitor ]
You: [ in attempt to distract from neediness ]
You: [ spelling correction ]
Red: [ apology for slow reply ]
Red: [ reply to non-sequitor ]
Red: [ attempt at starting simultaneous conversation ]
You: [ counter apology for not getting back ]
You: [ attempt to blame 3rd party ]
You: [ question regarding the only thing remembered from yesterday's conversation ]
You: [ reply to non-sequitor reply ]
You: [ explaination that non-sequitor reply was not, in fact connected to conversation about yesterday ]
You: [ embarassed silence ]
Red: [ polite chuckle ]
Red: [ question regarding delicate subject that I find amusing but am trying not to show that I find it amusing ]
You: [ comment about co-workers in attempt to pretend question didn't happen ]
You: [ follow up comment that is ambiguous in nature and could be connected to above or could be answering your question ]
You: [ random swear words and technology type ]
Red: [ sympathy over tech, coworkers etc ]
Red: [ disbelief at tech, coworkers etc ]
You: [ attempt to imply these coworkers are worse than any other coworkers ]
You: [ unintended implication that suggests it could be me who is the one at fault ]
You: [ backtrack ]
You: [ self depricating comment with smiley face to imply that this is a joke when secretly I fear it's true ]
Red: [ comment to help cement the belief that yes, your coworkers are the worst ]
Red: [ hugs or similar to try to boost your mood ]
You: [ acknowledgement and reciprocation ]
You: [ innudendo ]
You: [ jokey dismissal of innuendo ]
You: [ question regarding husband / boyfriend / girlfriend intended to reassure that I appreciate that you are not available and innuendo was not a proposal ]
Red: I am so sorry – I have to stop because I have a non-sequitor that is too perfect not to say at this point…
Red: I saw some Japanese bondage on tv the othe night and thought of you

[ attempt to explain away bondage reference while knowing and acknowledging the fact that no-one who reads this will believe it ]

Oct 2010
12
A fantastic dinner

I think it’s fair to say that I love The Bridge in Waterbeach. It’s one of those places that never fails to entertain, although not always in a good way.

In the last half dozen times I’ve been there we’ve had a 45 minute wait for food despite the place only being half full; I’ve had my main course turn up before the starter; we’ve had sides missed out entirely, and; we’ve had only half the deserts turn up. Despite this, we go back because the food is good, the portions are generous and the prices are reasonable. And the pub itself is a nice place.

Tonight we did a dangerously grown up thing and booked in advance. This doesn’t happen in my world.

The reason was that they’re doing a limited run of ‘season’ food. Tonight was Game Season, with 4 small plates of food that was truly fantastic.

Wild Boar burger – when this arrived I think we both wondered what we’d walked into. The plate was mostly empty, with four chips forming a trestle, a burger the diameter of a HobNob, a fried egg and a slice of toasted bread. It looked like a comedy pretentious meal. Oh god, it was good though. The chips were right, the egg was runny yolked, and the burger was fantastically rich wild boar and caramelised onion cooked surprisingly light and moist.

Guinea Fowl and Chorizo – you know how all posh food has to be served in a ‘tower’? This was a tower. Sweet potato mash (possibly cold and then refried, like bubble & squeak), a slice of cooked chorizo sausage, guinea fowl breast, soul cream and a spot of chilli jam. Another fantastic combination of flavours.

Pheasant Chasseur – I have a love/hate relationship with pheasant. Even in the rose tinted days of my childhood, when pheasant was shot in the back garden and left to hang behind our kitchen door, pheasant was hit and miss. If you’ll pardon the phrase. This was the beautifully rich flavour I remember from good pheasant in a nice light sauce with little silverskin onions.

Venison – another meat that can be fantastic and can be rubbish. This venison was dark and gamey enough that I half convinced myself that there was a little liver in the mix. Marinaded and fried, then served with a sweet and tart cherry sauce and potato gratin.

Finish the meal off with a small rhubarb crumble and a macchiato with amaretto and I think it’s one of the best meals I’ve had this year. Not bad for twenty quid a head.